Originally published on Tigology (Substack) · August 14, 2026
A year ago I told myself I would never take another mentor role to someone younger than me again. There have been too many people who have been hurt by sheer proximity to me and at the time granted I was a live wire and smoldering nova with one bad moment or disappointment away from total collapse. It wasn’t that I wasn’t confident in myself it’s that the direction my path was heading was likely going to get me in a lot of trouble and I promised myself after the collapse of my last friend group I would never drag more kids into my schemes again. I tried to frame it was me not having confidence or me not being ready or being leadership material when really I would just push people away and get myself in trouble for the sake of making things better in the long term without or without my direct involvement. I was supposed to be okay with this keeping to myself and just letting people struggle with their own ignorance because after so many civil rights cases and being kicked out of club after club, group after group, college after college I was done. I was done helping, done explaining things to people who would rather bully people to death than come to terms with the possibility that perceiving yourself to be the good guy doesn’t entail your decisions are holistic and kind by default nor does framing the impact of those decisions as such negate the harm being done or the punitive reality of the suffering that they caused. I never wanted to lead, or fight or be a role model to anyone ever again. And yet it is 2:45 in the morning, and I have yet to find a reason to sleep. Instead I have been scrolling Reddit and YouTube and for some reason decided against my better judgment to respond to a few advice threads. The threads in question: r/advice where people from all over the internet ask their general questions for feedback and I noticed something I hadn’t before as a long time lurker. Mainly how many people in my age group rely on forums like this for community and also how many people my age (26) and younger are feeling the same darkness and depression of being stuck in existing in a life that they didn’t choose as well as moving through and making progress but having no idea what they are doing to a marginal extent. I saw kids struggling with transitions, and finding reason to live or excuses to get out of bed and I saw a lot of people my age who have active relationships and are getting married and have no idea what they are doing in the bedroom.
The advice post in question:
Why can’t my girlfriend cum? It’s getting annoying
I (M23) and my GF (F21) have been together for a year now and whenever we have sex she never orgasms. My self-esteem is plummeting because of it. She told me that it’s normal that girls don’t O from PIV but I thought they did?? Like I don’t know what else to do
I want to make people aware that I’m not the most educated person and I’m not trolling I genuinely just don’t know. I appreciate the advice though. I grew up in the south and wasn’t taught much about this stuff
Edit: She’s not my girlfriend sorry she’s my fiancee, we got engaged a week ago I’m just used to calling her my GF
He may not have been lying but on one hand I knew that Sex Ed in the U.S has been non-existent since time immemorial and even my autistic ass who treated the nonfiction section in the school library like my own personal domicile that no other kid would enter knew that the average person can drive a car without understanding how a combustion engine works in the same way that most people can have intercourse and not understand how female pleasure works in practice. So I saw an opportunity to offer some knowledge I had to help a stranger and in my sleep-deprived state I didn’t think twice about it and offered the following:
Oh buddy, no… the G-spot in the vaginal canal is not standard hardware by any means. The clitoris isn’t just a little bean on the outskirts; it’s a whole organ made of nerve endings and erectile tissue (the same tissue a penis is made of), just on the inside instead of the outside. In some people, not all the nerve endings in the clitoris can extend into the vaginal canal to form the G-spot or increased sensitivity in the vaginal canal, but this isn’t the standard, the same way that 8-inch erections aren’t standard; it varies based primarily on genetics but also on other factors as well that you could look into later. The clitoris is also protected by a little hood of tissue, which is the female equivalent of the foreskin, so if you lift it and expose the more sensitive bud underneath, that’s money right there. Toys can decrease sensitivity in the same way that excessive masturbation or rough handling of a penis can decrease sensitivity and erection stamina over time. It’s often not the toys themselves but the intensity of the vibrations or the strength of a right hand, which can be a lot stronger and more stimulating than the smooth muscles of a vaginal canal. The best thing you could do during penetration is use your hand to stimulate the clitoris that way, but also read up more on what you’re working with and ask your partner what she enjoys. Sometimes using a toy on the clit during penetration is better for both parties as there are mutually stimulating products out there. Just do some research and don’t beat yourself up Sex Ed is seriously lacking in the States so it doesn’t hurt to educate yourself when nobody is there to teach you.
For a moment it made me smile. It felt good to share a random fact I learned coming through a textbook ages ago and sharing it with another person. It felt good to get a fun fact out of my head but more so it was the most positive response he received as the rest of the threads and responses just piled on to everything from ultra pink pilled women who have been hurt so many times by men who should know better but choose to cause harm anyway to ultra red-pilled dudebro guys trying to prove that they are so much better and knowledgeable and powerful than the “beta cuck male” who is in his first long-term relationship and engaged and wants to treat his girl right. What I saw in his response wasn’t misogyny or blame it was frustration because he genuinely believed he was doing something wrong or worse there was something wrong with him. That kind of shame of not understanding or being taught about the intricacies of the human body doesn’t prevent people from engaging in risky behaviors or cause it harm. If direct intercourse doesn’t=orgasm by default and it’s not something I’m doing wrong then there must be something wrong with me. This kind of thinking is a lot more common than people think as humans as children can’t understand or don’t have the information needed to comprehend the possibility that the world is a complex place with a lot of nuances and shifts and “sorta/kinda” situations. Some people hear factoids or lines of text 150 characters or less and without additional context, details, or nuance they jump to the default way of thinking that they have had since children.
Action X + Action Y = outcome A
If this model is followed exactly that outcome A is guaranteed
If not, then outcome B is the expected result.
If the model is followed exactly and neither outcome occurs, then something is either wrong with your technique, you’re just not trying hard enough or something is wrong with you.
Now you can apply that thought model to anything people struggle to understand the nuances of and it’s pretty clear where conversations start to break down.
(Effort and work ethic) + (Steady 9-5 Job) = Millionaire status.
(Organic food) + (Youth or young age) = Perfect Health
(Authority Figure) + (punishment) = Justice
(Not talking about sex/abstinence until marriage) + (teenagers) = no more teen pregnancies
But after years of chaos of applying this model to situation after situation it gets to the point where throwing this formula at everything and expecting anything other than failure turns even the most optimistic of brilliant minds into the jaded observer that I can be exemplify as the Communications Lady from Atlantis: The Lost Empire.
What’s worse is that asking for advice in a genuine manner often just results in constant low karma, bullying and “you should know this by now and if you don’t it’s because you choose not to” sort of responses. I’ve held this positions for a few months or years myself to be fair. I used to volunteer at an aquarium back in the day so I knew how to teach a crowd. I learned how to rephrase facts in a way that anyone would be able to understand and that dumbing things down requires leaving information out on the assumption that your audience wouldn’t understand anyway. The very act of simplification of knowledge is condescending in its own right and people are in general more receptive to being encouraged to find the light switch in their brains on their own instead of being shamed and punished for not knowing something they would have never been able to learn otherwise. Sometimes I forget that we were all kids once and we learn and make mistakes. In fact making mistakes is often the process of learning and expanding your formula repertoire to more than just shoving a round peg and square hole and blaming yourself for being horrible that you can’t do it and even if you’re surrounded by people who are not directly abusive or cruel the absence of friction or a supposedly loving stable home can often be a trap in its own way.
After scrolling a bit more I found this request posted no less than 20 minutes after the last.
First of all I’m sorry I don’t speak English that much but I really need some advice right now. I’m 16 years old, and of course I have problems, a lot. But the worst of them is my addiction and laziness, I don’t really know what to do. Every day I wake up and I just stare at my top of my room and thinking, what am I doing wrong. Everybody knows me as the funniest and kind person, and I really like people. And yes I’m not just playing a role I’m really happy with others on the day. But then it hits me. Again and again and again. My life is so useless sometimes I don’t even know who I am. I am a Christian and I’ve always had a good relationship with God, but for the last year I don’t, I feel nothing about Him. I can’t sleep at night sometimes I go to sleep at 4 am because I can not sleep for hours just thinking what am I doing wrong. I don’t do drugs or alcohol, gaming etc. My addiction really is porn, of course what else would it be. I do it every day sometimes 2-3 times, I hate myself for doing that and after I did it I usually wanna cry and just want to be better. The only things that make me happy, or help to forget what I am, are the videogames and songs. When I listen to music I can finally forget who I am. Yeah, it’s good but I want to be happy when I am myself. I don’t want to be happy at the cost of not thinking about myself. I tried everything. I’m playing at two instruments I train 7 times a week I read books, listen to songs, talk with my relatives but nothing really helps me. Near a year ago I had a talking stage with a girl. Then I was happy but since we don’t talk, I am so lost and I can not forget her. Every song that we listened together reminds me of her. Even some other girls, irl or on the internet, reminds me of her. I know it was really not my fault that we don’t talk anymore but I always have a feeling that I could have done more. I don’t know what to do and I don’t think I can do this much longer, but I have to. Don’t worry I have never had suicide thoughts, but sometimes I just want to be another person. If you could help, please, I really need it
This struck a chord because I remembered being that age and feeling stuck. And though I was medicated to the brink of vegetation and filled with adrenaline to just open my eyes I tried to remember what were those little things that kept me sane through being in isolation one minute and locked in a psych ward for a mistake I don’t remember committing, the next. I gave my response because I didn’t want to feel bad for this kid I wanted to go in and shake him scream at him to get up and build something and then I realized something that I have been avoiding for months now. I have been mean to myself. I have screamed at myself and been so hard on myself for even considering letting that rage that carried me through the last 5 years die out. I’ve been so angry with myself and my former adversaries for so long that even though I won I was still treating my apartment like a bunker instead of a home. I tried to think about a time when I was in a tough place and felt trapped and each time I thought back it brought that same familiar feeling of being trapped and either fighting to the death to move forward or succumbing to death in defeat. I told myself years ago that I would be successful and fight and win as it was a form of conquest of revenge against everyone that had held me back. But the more I read through this kid’s genuine ask for advice on where to go from here I tried to remember what I was like at age 16. And something I remember trying to do growing up to bring some joy to myself after being screamed at by my mother about all the reasons my “friends don’t care about you they just feel sorry for you” and that “everyone thinks your a freak and no one will want to be around you anyway” is just going online and finding a new topic to get lost in and research and build up a skill on my own in the corner of my room in the dark more often than not. My entire world was my laptop that I had saved up for with tips and other loose change I gained from presentation events of volunteering here and there and it was my entire world. I would go into the full history of something random like mac and cheese and use a little spare cash to buy a ukulele and teach myself to play. My parents hated it but I loved it because it was mine and it was a little thing I did for myself by myself without outside intervention or control. It was my success, my victory, and in the grand scheme of things yes it was small and not monetizable, imperfect, but it was beautiful and more importantly it was MINE. It didn’t come from a fight or a conquest. It didn’t come as a loss or something I had to sacrifice in order to survive or a cheap consolation prize that came when I had already prepared to go into the void It was different, smaller, quieter, but beautiful and it made me so happy even with nobody there to see it. I remember googling recipes and sneaking downstairs to the kitchen and making them myself. Omelettes with various ingredients, instant ramen with various toppings and broth changes, stir-fries, rice dishes, and with money I got from here and there I scraped up more ingredients was gifted kitchen equipment that I guarded as treasures from my father who would use and abuse anything he got his hands on. I had my safety vault and my slow collection of kitchen supplies, instruments, gadgets and different kits and hobbies that I kept in cases and bags at first to hide from the usual room checks and thefts of my belongings. Slowly but surely I collected a solid amount of equipment and skills that served as the backbone for my supplies that I still carry to this day. I taught myself those skills without realizing I was preparing myself for independence and when the time came I jumped at the opportunity not out of anger and revenge like what got me through those hellish days of homelessness but with little victories and stupid hobbies and skills I would take up and hide to keep myself sane in a house and world that refused to accept me as human yet desperately wanted me to stay and never leave.
My response to this kid was as follows:
Buddy, you’re 16 years old, and you are way too mean to yourself. Give yourself a break. Stop whipping yourself with your perceived failures, because mistakes can be learned from, and I doubt there’s anything you’ve done that’s worthy of this level of self-loathing. You practice your skills; you work hard. I’m assuming you’re pretty good at the instruments you do play, and if a girl puts some distance and backs away, it’s probably because she senses how little you think of your own self-worth. When was the last time you went outside? Not for an appointment, just a walk or little side quest to the cafe and get yourself a pastry or a drink. When was the last time you showered? Maybe ate something that you made yourself? Or you could learn a recipe or ask a family member if they can teach you to cook something simple, like an omelette. You don’t need a savior or a girlfriend right now; what you need is a tiny victory. Something small or big that you can do on your own and accomplish without someone telling you to do it. Make a little stir-fry with some rice or a protein and some veggies, or even some instant noodles, in a pot instead of the microwave. I know it seems so small and ridiculous in the grand scheme of things, and that’s kind of the whole point. You don’t need massive goals right now, so start with small side quests to build confidence and competence. Maybe save up some money to buy a new poster for your room or a lamp to make it less depressing. That’s a good one!
I think I’ve been a bit steeped in my own rage for a bit too long. That dark and vengeful rage fueled me and helped me survive but in the process it pushed out the other methods I had developed years ago to give little victories to myself when it wasn’t safe to be myself. I forgot that even though there is a significant lacking of social skills among my generation but most of all a lacking of the most important skill of all: Teaching. To teach is an art form and skillset that takes years of trial and error and despite my background being as chaotic as it was it was a skill that saved my life on a few occasions. I was good at it. The problem became when I realized that you can have all the rephrasing and communication skills in the world but sometimes there are some people you will encounter whose desire for control will outweigh any logic or argument or compromise you offer and yet we are told over and over that compromise is the mother of all solutions and to be mature is to compromise no matter what. That true egalitarian and inclusivity involves treating everyone’s opinions and worldviews as justified and righteous even if that means allowing bullying and harassment to continue or that the most extreme factions among us get their way slowly but surely because if everyone is just “entitled to their opinions” or allowed to make assumptions without question or risk of retaliation then it really doesn’t matter if your cause is just or you’re fighting for the right reasons even if it’s your fight, even if you win. Sometimes the next best thing you can do is turn a new chapter and walk away. I think the last 6 years have taught me a very valuable skill of activism and fighting for my rights not just for my sake but for the sake of others that will come after me. Making things better than the way I found it often requires clearing some brush and debris or overthrowing an administration or two. Maybe hacking some Microsoft outlook forms and ruining some careers of some self-righteous bastards who get off on traumatizing kids. It was necessary but it also left me scarred and distrustful and ultimately I still needed that vengeful fury to make it happen and though that may be powerful and needed it’s also rather terrifying for anyone caught in the cross fire or even those former adversaries of mine who genuinely and almost innocently held on to the only model of the universe they’ve ever known. They caused harm and damage yes but after 6 years of fighting and drowning in rage and frustration I finally remembered where that fury originated from.
Seriously though. What place do we have in this world. What are we allowed to do. What can we do. Why does nobody tell us. Why are we blamed for things we weren’t aware of. Does society just want us to be gone? What can we do at this point? Are we only okay if we’re somehow important or skilled? Not everyone with autism has a special interest. Some people are just genuinely struggling.
I had dreams as a kid. I had goals and aspirations and yet I’m stuck trying to survive alone trying to figure out everything with nobody telling me shit. Being neglected and being autistic does not mix well together, AT ALL.
My point is that I’m frustrated and fucking lost at this point in time, what do typical people expect of us, do they think we’re just not trying hard enough, how are we able to stay afloat if we are just weird automatically or sketchy, suspicious, rude, blunt, tone deaf, awkward, etc??? Am I just meant to not be here? I am a human too?? I deserve to talk to people and socialize without being excluded. How do we just get rid of the social stigma or expectations?? I AM trying hard enough. I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!
The world is on fire and the empire we were told would last forever and do everything in our power to be part of and support has been decomposing for over 20 years. I am 26 years old and I look around at my peers and supposed would-be elders and superiors and I see everyone coming to the same realization I came to 6 years prior. That the model of how the world is “supposed to be” doesn’t work. The “rules” don’t work the way they used to and even if the most “quote-unquote” experienced among us claim that they kept the world alive I’d like to argue that people in the past weren’t living the average person was simply not dying. There is a difference and there are many ideas of lines of thought that were made standard and were expected that never worked as advertised and now they don’t even work at all.
There are some things in life that can’t be compromised on or tolerated under “certain parameters” because thoughts and feelings may originate in people’s heads but they don’t stay there. Opinions become popular regardless if they are good or not and what is popular becomes the shared reality for a good chunk of the population with dire consequences for anyone being victimized by someone who genuinely believes that the harm they are causing is the right way to do things. Only to be frustrated and angry both themselves and their kids for the faulty model they were given not doing what it was advertised to do. Parents in Gen X and even Millennial parents were taught that if you just forced your kid to be normal and punish your kid then it will train them to be normal and they will be happy.
(Neurodivergent/queer kid) + (consequences/pain/negative stimulus) = normal behavior/happiness.
When in reality all they did was create a generation of kids who are terrified of their own existence and shut down completely to avoid doing anything for fear of doing it wrong and facing the “consequences” that come with it. For so many people they genuinely believe they are the good guys in doing this to people because they rewrite the model into their victims trauma and the symptoms thereof as a sign of weakness or laziness or not trying hard enough. Not trying to be normal enough not trying to be happy enough when both of those concepts have been weaponized by generations of broken people who deeply miscalculated.
In response to OP:
Something I’ve really had to remind myself after years of abuse and bullying is that sometimes what people want isn’t what people need.
Yes, there is a significant portion of the population that would be happier if we were dead, and yes, the way they treat us and abuse us hurts to no end.
Does it mean we give in and submit ourselves to destruction?
No, because we do exist and we do live, and we do have lots of skills that provide value to this world, even if some people hate us for it.
We have things that bring joy, and we have people that we can trust if we find them and keep them close.
It makes some people angry and upset, yes, and they’ll just have to get used to it because there are only so many people you can bully and abuse until there’s no one left to treat as human.
You can’t be nasty and needy, and the most selfish and cruel people on earth will have to learn that the hard way.
We exist, so they have to suck it up and acknowledge that, just as much as we’re expected to suck up the abuse and deal with their control issues.
We’re not the problem here, and your survival and joy matter more than anyone else’s “happiness” or satisfaction they get from our suffering.
It’s like Mai said to Azula when she betrayed her at the Boiling Rock episode.
“I love Zuko more than I fear you”
And that was enough.
I survived years of homelessness and a messy emancipation because I valued my autonomy more than I valued what made my parents happy. That was a compromise I couldn’t make. That was my line in the sand. And the line has been reinforced and fended and fought and won but for the first time I’m past that threshold of needing a stick and wall to protect myself and I’ve caused enough chaos and mayhem in that short time period that even if the ground was set ablaze as I ran I’ve run far enough to see the aftermath no matter how self-righteous it may be. But now the flames have died down, the ashes have caked over and crumbled to reveal a soft undergrowth underneath that was shielded by stone and set ablaze for years but never got a chance to grow into something more than a little victory in a dark corner of my bedroom. I told myself at age 20 that I would never take on mentor roles again. I would never lead again or teach again because no one will listen anyway and at the time I was right but like many assumptions made at one point what was correct back then may not be accurate today. What was common sense in the past may become a cautionary tale in the future and that’s ok. We use the tools we have at our disposal to solve problems which is what makes humans so advantageous in any environment you put us in. But the major trait that we have is not adaptability it’s endurance and stamina or rather our ability to keep chasing a target for days or weeks until our prey just tires out from exhaustion or until the reality and damage a method has reaped outweigh the benefits that it may have proven in the past. Humans don’t like change it’s not in our nature to pivot so easily when we find something that works or feel successful for an extended period of time that we forget that humans are very similar to any other mammal on earth. We are motivated by food, connection, pleasure, reward and positive reinforcement more than we are deterred by pain, punishment, shame, consequence, accountability no matter how self-righteous it may appear to be. It just doesn’t work anymore in the way it once did. Fear works in the short term but is ultimately more damaging in the long term. Positive reinforcements on the other hand, to grow, to encourage, to walk away and give distance and mercy instead of total destruction and permanent insurance from future harm. To teach instead of preach is a difficult thing to do much like it is increasingly difficult to build something when you could destroy it instead. But maybe just maybe I could dig up those old formulas and models, brush up on my skill sets a bit more and maybe lower my guard just enough to gauge whether someone is just lost and confused or zealous and scared. The most cruel people I have encountered are often telling the truth when they say “They don’t care about your feelings/hopes/worth/humanity/opinions” because doing so at this point in their lives would mean contradicting the fact that they have been actively causing harm for ages therefore a “bad person” which would make their rage and fury unjustifiable to sustain. I have been scorned so many times that I thought the world was filled with only zealous abusers that sought their own validation no matter how much suffering they caused in the process but maybe I was wrong. Maybe there are a lot more of the curious humans I remember teaching at the aquarium, or maybe the entire world is filled with people just like me who encased their joy and desire for hope in stone and fire to protect it from the demons among us who gain satisfaction from causing suffering and death to others and calling it “accountability” or “consequences.” I guess we are all stuck in stone shells, trying to hide from the flames, but every now and then, it may be safe to try again. It could hurt, and that would be scary, but even so, the possibility of sharing a tiny victory with a friend or a loved one has become a precious resource. It is the responsibility of those who have the skills to do it beautifully, like I remembered back then, to be a leader once more and show the way forward. I still have days where I think the world is better off without me in it, but then I get responses to Reddit comments like this:
“Woahh I think this was the best advice I’ve got, thanks man! I had no idea about all of that”
“Most people don’t 😆. Best of luck there guy!”
Thank you man, it really helps me a lot, I’ll try it ❤️
Thirty minutes of silence, and the response was surprisingly familiar. I forgot what it felt like to make the lights turn on in someone’s head, and that feeling of pride when I see that expression some people get when they feel the wrinkles forming on their once-smooth brains. I have to be careful not to overdo it this time around. Little joys, little victories, ridiculous small moments that make you pump your fists in the air and say:
“HEY, I DID IT!”
That is what makes life feel like living instead of not dying.
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